Lost my Nan recently...

I lost my nan recently & camped out at the hospital for a fair amount of time. She was a fighter but looked so fragile at the same time. I hope that she was comfortable in the last days. This is part of what went through my head.

Where are you Nan, where have you gone?
I wish there was a pedestal to put you upon!
You're so wonderful & there's no doubt
That you could keep fighting & knock Tyson out!
Where on earth do you find all that power
To stand out like the gardens prettiest flower?
You're doing my head in. That is so true
Are you happy, sad, peaceful or blue?
You look like an angel being shone down upon
I can see the wonderful halo you have on!
I pray to god that I have done right by you
Maybe one day you'll give me a clue?
As you are laying there in your bed
(After we played Jenga with your head)!
May your mind be full of wonderful things
Like Kevin & your bond with him
Confirmed by that gorgeous wedding ring!
I love you Nan & I hope pray
That our spirits will be entwined forever & a day x

Bad Day

ME - what a name, can't spell it & how do u say it again?
Have heard it spoken out loud a fair few times
Just it's proper name takes up a fair few lines
Stuck in bed, completely unable to move
Everything going on around me - feel like a shoe stuck to a horse's hoof
The shoe can't move by it's own accord
Stuck there pounding the ground or crossing a ford
Think maybe if u looked, the horse would be found running around in my body, trying to get outside from in
Whilst beating me black & blue, like a battered bag from the bin
The seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days
Most people remember them in very many ways
I don't remember them - one moulds seamlessly into another
It's sad, but at 33 I still have times when I just want my mother!
Don't know what part of life is real or is dreamt
If I had a ml of energy, how was it spent?
It feels degrading - relying on other bodies just so I can go 4 a wee
I'd love to do it alone but my body & mind won't let it be
Laying or sitting up only with assistance from my bed
I can't even lift my own sodding head
I literally live my life thru minutes
Not hours or days like the average man, innit?
Pain pulsing thru me, pumping thru every vein
Don't know how my body keeps up with the strain?

DISCONNECTED

Feel secluded. Cut right off

Deserted. Feeling extremely rough

Forever laying in my bed, looking outside

How I want to go out, like the receding tide

In a bubble. That's how it feels

The whole world spinning round me like a wheel

Sitting in this bubble, everythings distorted

Any plans that I had have been effortlessly thwarted

I can hear the goings on around me

But am so disconnected. Won't someone just ground me?

Everything in life has become so contorted

My happy thoughts seem to have been exported...

To another place for now anyway

And maybe it's just better that way?

Interaction - what does that mean?

The very thought of it makes my mind scream

I'd love to be there. Just in the room

Hopefully this bad patch will wear off soon

The Girlz

Had such a lovely day. Met up with all my girlz - some I see regularly & a couple not met up with for 20 years!!! I don't feel old at all!

Off to bedfordshire now for some shut eye. Be in touch with you girlz soon. Thanks for the lunch date.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chronic Fatigue Knife

The pain, the headache, the ringing in my ears

It hurts more when I cry but can't hold back the tears

Feels like am losing years of my life, all for being cut with the Chronic Fatigue knife

Name any part of me & I'll tell u it's sore

The ache & the pain is oozing from each & every pore

Laying in a darkened room with no light, no scents, no noise

Stuck in position with pillows & bed lift. I have no poise

Rely on carer for every minute shift, can do nothing myself - am so miffed

Just the rise & fall when I breath

Feels like the same pain when pulling teeth

Every joint & every bone

Why can't the physical suffering leave me alone?

Then I'd still be left with the mass mentality block

That boat is definitely sat in dry dock

Not going anywhere - doesn't want 2 sail

Within my mind, it's firmly impaled

My brain hurts processing the tiniest thought

Therefore I just lay & try to keep my mind at level nought

Boring; fed up, angry, sad

What have I done in life that's so bad?

Ok, that may sound like I'm down but it couldn't be any further from the truth. I am very lucky to have a wonderful partner & son who keep me going!

Just felt like this was my little insight for some people who try to understand Chronic Fatigue but don't see it. The verse above sums up my day to day life but I have good times too. I am very positive about life.

Emmskibeatz x x

Am new to this! Have patience please?

Just trying this out for now! Postings of the bloggings later...